Date: 2009-11-18 17:39 Subject: My Book! Security: Public

I have a copy!
With cover and everything!

Date: 2009-11-08 16:23 Subject: yeah! Security: Public

www.northriverpress.com
the book is out

Date: 2009-09-16 19:55 Subject: And here I was hoping... Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

No, I do not have cancer.
But remember I was given this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doxorubicin?
Well, it causes this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Post-chemotherapy_cognitive_impairment
I have chemo brain.
Today I was so fuzzy it wasn't fuzzy.
I almost caused an accident.
I got angry for no reason.
I mean NO reason. I was sitting by myself, and nothing was wrong.
But still, I got mad.
This is very frustrating.
I forget things.
Can't concentrate.
I hope it will pass soon.

Date: 2009-08-17 20:56 Subject: today with the hematologist Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

I brought my results to the hematologist today.
He went over them, and quickly released me, saying "see you in 3 months, hope you stay as healthy as you are now".
What nice guy.
Waiting on line was a frightened young woman (30ish) who was waiting for results.
I thought to myself "that must be what I looked like..."
I tried to cheer her up, and saw her eyes brimming with tears.
I hope she gets better as soon as I did (or sooner).

Also saw one of the lovely nurses and the receptionist who helped me get better.
Was good.

:)

Date: 2009-08-12 11:19 Subject: PET scan - continued Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

Results came back
I am clean

Status Report: HAPPY!!!

Date: 2009-08-12 07:39 Subject: PET scan Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

I went to the UK to participate in the Odyssey week-long seminar in Nottingham, then extended my stay to go to the EUDC in Newcastle.
(Yes, I have my addictions.)

The reason this worked out so well was because it gave me no time to fret about the blood test I had on Sunday and the PET scan I had on Monday (followed by an exam on Tuesday).
I am waiting for the results, which hopefully will say that I am still in compete remission.
Butterflies in stomach.
Yarggle.

Date: 2009-08-05 12:04 Subject: If -- a springboard. Security: Public

I conjecture that human perception of self is based on a triangulation of Knowledge, Existence and Beauty, (or, in the Kantian system - Pure Reason, Practical Reason, and Judgment).  However, this assumption (and I shall get to the notion behind this "triangulation" later) can only go so far. It does not explain anything about motion, i.e. change. It only explains how one positions one's self within
a "triangulation" of sorts. Before I go into the issue of motion, perhaps a reexamination of Leibniz 's monads may be insightful.

As Wiki states, according to Leibniz, "Monads are the ultimate elements of the universe, "substantial forms of being" with the following properties: eternal, indecomposable, individual, subject to their own laws, un-interacting, and each reflecting the entire universe in a pre-established harmony. Monads are centers of force; substance is force, while space, matter, and motion are merely phenomenal."

In short, to combine the two, what we have is that each individual defines her/himself acoording to certain traingulated parameters, in a way that is self-creating, self-being, self-reflecting.  And while this combination creates a standing on which to place perceptions of self in a stronger manner than I used to, this notion of individuals in a three-dimensional cartesian system does not explain the interaction between the monads.  Now, Leibniz claims that there IS no interaction. However, I believe that if this was the case, we would not talk to our friends and family, not be changed by human acts, and not lose our cool every time a cop gave us a speeding ticket.

In other words, there has to be a way to explain interaction.  So, if we assume we have placement within a grid, we need something else to explain the movement itself, within said grid, i.e., motion.  And if we think what are the basic issues of "motion" for human beings, it would be fair to place a triangulation of time, space and continuity.

Again, to use Wiki: "In physics, spacetime (or space–time) is any mathematical model that combines space and time into a single continuum. Spacetime is usually interpreted with space being three-dimensional and time playing the role of a fourth dimension that is of a different sort than the spatial dimensions. According to certain Euclidean space perceptions, the universe has three dimensions of space and one dimension of time. By combining space and time into a single manifold, physicists have significantly simplified a large number of physical theories, as well as described in a more uniform way the workings of the universe at both the supergalactic and subatomic levels."

Basically, what I am claiming is that while time and space, in and of themselves, stand alone (the triangulation of each being past, present & future and height, width and breadth, respectively), the issue of "being a continuum" is separate, and needs further research. While the notion of making things simpler seems to claim that combining these all into one "continuum" is useful, at times, the separation could provide us with an insight into the notion of "being as being" (to use that horrible phrase).

Again, to borrow from Wiki: "Heidegger claimed that Western philosophy has, since Plato, misunderstood what it means for something "to be," tending to approach this question in terms of a being, rather than asking about being itself. In other words, Heidegger believed all investigations of being have historically focused on particular entities and their properties, or have treated being itself as an entity, or substance, with properties."

This notion of "being itself" in this context opens up a question, regarding being qua being, and and I believe there are three issues that are relevant here: creating - becoming - ending. In other words, every act has a beginning, a middle and an end.  And now, we go back to the source - Aristotle on the form of the tragedy:
"A whole is that which has a beginning, a middle, and an end. A beginning is that which does not itself follow anything by causal necessity, but after which something naturally is or comes to be. An end on the contrary, is that which itself naturally follows some other thing, either by necessity, or as a rule, but has nothing following it. A middle is that which follows something as some other thing follows it. A well-constructed plot, therefore, must neither begin or end at haphazard, but conform to these principles."

And, to borrow from this notion into the current context, In percieving a beginning of a continuum, there is nothing that MUST come before it, but something MUST follow, both by necessity. This sounds kind of redundant, but this act is significant. Parents remember the moment of birth (sometimes even the moment of conception) of their child. There are many such moments, and although some (or maybe even most) of them may not be clear when they happen, they are all the point before which any data becomes irrelevant, negligible or incoherent for disucssion.  That said, from that point on, the structure of cause-effect is or can be clear, both in direction and scope. The end (as most films say) is the point where cause-effect stops, but which is led to by this principle. The termination of the chain is necessarily at that point. For instance, when I movced to Israel I was necessarily terminating my residence in the United States. Unfortunately for me, I had not yet developed the ability to be in two places at the same time.
The midele, of course, is the most complex. It is the place between two cause-effect links. I was born in the US THEREFORE I was in the US; I moved to Israel, THEREFORE I no longer lived in the US. The transition is the middle stage.
And to create a triangulation, which I named "continuity", we have three elements: Creation - the initiation of a placement within the trianglular perception grid; Ending - the termination of such a placement; Transition: Being between two cause-effect relations.
Now, this might seem kind of silly, but each has its own conditions and attitudes and unique aspects.

When I looked at the combination of the three triangular triangulated coordinates - time, space and continuity, I realized that while I had defined the x, y and z axes of motion, I had not located at all for me what the motivation was which caused movement. In other words, I knew where the ball was rolling, but who had kicked it? Where was it going, and why in that direction?
This struck me as a bit odd, at first, because one would think that if you have the parameters of something, you should understand it. But the truth is that for every triangulated coordination that we make, there should always be a fourth dimension, one which humans have trouble in grasping, which explains the movement between points. A mathematical function is only expressed using cartesian diagrams - it is not explained by them.

Realizing this, I started thinking of what "motivation" meant for me.
A starting point, again from Wiki, for this could be: "Deleuze's main philosophical project in his early works (i.e., those prior to his collaborations with Guattari) can be baldly summarized as a systematic inversion of the traditional metaphysical relationship between identity and difference." Deleuze said that "pure difference is non-spatio-temporal; it is an idea", calling it "the virtual". This is similar to the move I have made here, but more importantly,  it leads to a direction which may be efficient.
In thinking through a triangulation which could describe motivation to a concievable degree, I shall try to avoid things which are purely spatio-temporal (and continual), and try to focus on things that contain within themselves both identity and difference.

The first element I propose is resonance. It is not only the sending out of the sound, but also the way it returns. This would include many issues of tension, including attraction-rejection (which include gravity).  It is a form of "infinite inter-mediation", and "Greatness in art is the power of resonance, not of reflection", to quote Deleuze. It is not in seeing yourself, but both in the act of projecting and recieving a response that resonance is to be found.

The second element, I believe, is mathematics. Another type of inter-mediation, this one is between abstract and concrete. Whereas you can give me one apple, you can't give me a "one". Wittgenstein said this brilliantly when discussing the number "two", and I shall not delve into this at this point.

The third element is humor, and by that I mean the occurence of connection and non-connection simultaneously. According to many, we laugh about misfortunes of others, because these misfortunes assert our superiority on the background of shortcomings of others. In other words - we feel for others, and see how it could be relevant for us, but see how it isn't and are happy.  This is where I have come to.
This is what I want to further research.

Wish me luck.

Date: 2009-08-04 04:08 Subject: It's four in the morning Security: Public

Fell asleep at 9-ish.
Maybe I pushed myself too far, not sleeping well. Who knows. Adjudicating four debates in one day can do that to you.
Rest tomorrow, then fly home.
All over soon.
:)
The UK is still not a place I would want to live.

Date: 2009-07-06 15:51 Subject: amusing typo Security: Public

"That would also provide training grounds for other mangaerial positions"
I would like anything "mangaerial"

Date: 2009-06-01 14:51 Subject: 2 sentences from work today Security: Public

1. "Remeber the fluffy disks"?

2. "We'll always have Ramle."

Date: 2009-04-24 08:55 Subject: one month Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

1 month has gone by since the meeting with my hematologist where he said that I would not be undergoing more chemotherapy.

1 month has gone by, and I am definitely relieved.

unfortunately, now I feel fat, sluggish and tired due to my weight.

Status Report: Another uphill battle! But this one isn't as life threatening....
:)

Date: 2009-03-25 21:59 Subject: "More on this later" Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

And here it is:

Woke up early.
We drove to Petach Tikvah, to drop Pitzky at a great-aunt, where K's mom was staying.
We drove to Meir Hospital.
I was so nervous, I took a valium.
Saw the hematologist.
I gave him a copy of A. Cronin's The Citadel (printed in 1938).
He looks me in the eye (after saying thanks), says he reviewed the PeT-CT scan, and there has been no change.
I thought to myself "oh, well, another bout of chemo"
He says "Therefore no more chemo."

I was on high on valium, so I thought "Eh, dude, got any munchies?"

But no, seriously, I was very happy. Apparently, because the cancer-affected lymph nodes did not change at all due to 4 more bouts of chemo (1-4, PET I, 5-8 PET II, remember?) it means that all I have there is scar tissue.


WOO HOO!!!!!!

Status Report: Much better, thank you. Ookety Ook, indeed.

Thank you to all those who supported me throughout, in whatever way, especially Ziva, K;s mom, and K - my one, true love, with whom I am head over heels in love.

Date: 2009-03-25 10:13 Subject: no more soup for you Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

And by soup, I mean chemo.
Really.
NO MORE CHEMO. I AM FREE!!!

more on this once the valium wears off

Date: 2009-03-24 15:09 Subject: why haven't I posted? Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

I haven't posted in a while.
Why?
Because every time I've thought about the treatments lately, I've been plagued by thoughts of death.
And of vomit.
But mostly of death.


And how do you compose a post (compost?) that says "Hey, people, don't worry, I'm only thinking about death"?
It has kept me up a few nights.
It has made me too worried to deal with the results of my latest PeT-CT scan, which should be in tomorrow.
And I am going in tomorrow.
For another batch of chemo.
and I really don't want to.


Because no matter what you say, they are horrible, and another one just sucks.
i will take a valium, to get through it.

Fuck all..



Status Report: Scared, of course. And thinking of Death - neither a la Pratchett nor a la Gaiman.

Just that death happens. To me.
 

Date: 2009-03-09 22:42 Subject: a cold and the flu Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

Pitzky got it
then K caught it
now I have it too

Aggravating not only because of the high-risk involved regarding my condition

We were wiped out all day today
Thanks mom for the chicken soup


Status Report: Happy Purim, I feel like a used rag

Date: 2009-03-06 18:27 Subject: I'm feeling okay Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

Really, I am.
Despite the fact that I have another PET-CT scan to set up, to determine whether I need 4 more treatments or not.
It all depends on how much more the nodes have shrunk.

Status Report: Fine. Hoping for much shrinkage!

PS GO ISRAEL ! (Davis Cup)

Date: 2009-03-05 17:58 Subject: Fly like an eagle Security: Public Tags: car, hodgkin's

It is amazing what chemicals can do to you.
This morning I took a valium of sorts (Alprazolam, as Xanax), about an hour before we got to the hospital. When I was sitting with the hematologist, pre-treatment, I started feeling fuzzy.
I am still floating, a bit.
("We were talkinnnng, about the space between us aaall...")
I slept through most of the treatment, and now, having woken up from a long nap, am stll a little out of it.
("And the peopuuuul, who hide themselves behind a wall / of illu-sion...")
It's a little bit fun, and made the chemo VERY dealable.

Status Report: Okay. A bit queasy. A bit high.


Re the car - was fixed today, although it broke down about 5 minutes walk from the hospital, and then K had to deal with it, an dI started the pre-chemo treatment without her. Hope it drives smoothly now.
Ook.
(thanks mom for the ride home)

Date: 2009-03-04 21:14 Subject: a few thoughts Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

(and thank you to Rotev for urging me to post)

I have lost a lot of hair. Today I got a haircut, at a barber I first used some 20-odd years ago.
A lot of nostalgia to try and pretend the sight of me hairless doesn't send thoughts of death through my body.
but it does, and it did.

Actually, as a cancer patient, this is the first time I have admitted that I think of death. kinda late in the game, considering that  tomorrow will be no. 8 out of 12 of the chemotherapy treatments.

I should be used to it by now, but I am scared about tomorrow.

I will take a valium almost immediately after breakfast, and try to relax. and relax. and relax.
Yeah, right.
LOL

Status Report: Trying to avoid death, I paased by fields written by Frost.

I am very nervous re tomorrow. and scared.


Of course, today's car troubles did not help.

On my way to Avihail, the car stopped and would not move. We have to replace the manifest, it seems, and that is expensive. Took half a day for the part to arrive, and it arrived broken.
Whatever.
Expenisve to fix, and it is still broken.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

Me tired. want out. and my brain is mush. I am stupider in all ways possible.
see you all post no.8

Date: 2009-02-24 01:44 Subject: going to sleep soon Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

this cancer thing sucks

screws everything over

Date: 2009-02-21 16:02 Subject: today, the hours move so slowly Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

I went  to sleep (finally) at 5ish. Woke up around noon, as K was putting Pitzky to sleep.

Felt nauseous all day
cold
blah
tired
yuck

hopefully i will get better

Status Report: I am feeling dumber, as well

Date: 2009-02-21 04:01 Subject: insomnia Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

I am scared of sleeping tonight

or something

I am still nauseous, and am not sure if it's because of my stomach or my head.
:(

Status Report: Sucks

Date: 2009-02-20 18:08 Subject: blaaaaaaaaa Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

nausea not passing, despite the Emend.
Took more setron than usual, hopefully it will help

Status Report: Feeling yucky



On another note, I have been stuck for about two weeks on Simon and Garfunkel's "The Only Living Boy in New York"

Date: 2009-02-19 20:38 Subject: Chemo no. 7, in which Doris Gets Her Oats Security: Public Tags: hodgkin's

Quotes, anyone?



This one sucked.

1. Did not bring blood count, so had to do it this morning. Made things run later by about an hour.

2. The hematologist was honest. He said it looks like 12 treatments, and not 8. Shit.

3. The woman sitting next to me was an aggravating idiot. She had something to say to everyone, all the time. She even cut in line right in front of K today. not pleasant.

4. I threw up during the last batch. Really heaved it all up. Yuck. just thinking of it makes me retch.  When we got home, i went straight to bed and slept some six hours.

5. I also had to rush to get some of my medicine (my bad, again), and got a physician to extend the date on my prescription, sort of last minute.

Status Report: better, but am shaken up a bit, psychologically/mentally.


PS Points go to anyone except my brother for recognizing the quote.  He already got the points.

Date: 2009-02-16 23:04 Subject: 2 games Security: Public Tags: basketball

Just saw two games end in very tense final minutes.
Both games were lousy.
Why did I watch?
Ook

Date: 2009-02-16 11:41 Subject: Writing is Fun Security: Public Tags: writing

She had a fetish for loose-leaf binders. The new, green plastic cover of the report gave her the heebie-jeebies.